It’s Not A Date:Stop Mistaking Sex For Affection

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Don’t mistake this as a post bashing girls who like to have casual sex.

That’s not what this is, have as much casual sex as you’d like, as many hookup partners as you’d like. We are past the era of calling a woman a “slut” for having the same sex life as a man.

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This post is about the cheap, effort-lacking confusion that sex is the baseline for a relationship. Let me give you some backstory before jumping into this.

There is a woman, let’s call her Samantha, who is successful, talented, passionate, driven and intimidating with her quick-wit, confidence and hilarious sense of humor. She is kind and giving, understanding and a bit of a deep thinker. All qualities that should be valued.

Samantha and I are talking over breakfast one morning when she tells me she has a date. I am, of course, curious and excited at her new found shot at love. That is until she elaborates.

Turns out this guy, this idiot of a man that has no idea how lucky he is to even be noticed by this girl, invited her to drive an hour and a half to his house, on a Saturday night, to drink beer and watch movies. Aka, a booty call.

She disagrees. He’s obviously interested in her since he’s wanting to spend his Saturday night on a date with her (seriously they are calling this a date). Yeah, interested in screwing her on his cheap, beer-stained couch. She doesn’t get it. She considers this a sign that he actually likes her. And perhaps he does, but he doesn’t value her.

Here is the problem I am having.

When did it become exciting to make all the effort just to wind up as someone’s booty call? When did women start convincing themselves that it’s okay to be treated as a commodity? I mean if the man is calling this a date, then by God he should at the very least take you to dinner. And if you are driving an hour and a half to meet him then he should be paying! He should be dressed nicely, opening your car door and paying for your freaking dinner. That is a date.

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But in this modern “hookup culture” a date is apparently watching Netflix and getting tipsy on cheap beer. When did beautiful, talented women start accepting this crap? This is not acceptable. We should not be lowering ourselves to those who will put out the minimum amount of effort for us. We should not be putting ourselves out there for someone who thinks “taking us on a date” is buying a cheap 12-pack and calling it good.

Men who don’t want to take you out, don’t want to meet you half-way (at least), men who don’t compliment you or make an effort to make you feel good about yourself, these are not men who want to be with you. They are not men who will value you. They don’t recognize your worth and they don’t really care about your feelings. They are either lonely, horny, bored, or all of the above. You are a woman, you are not a supplement and you are not some cheap remedy.

There is zero effort, zero planning and zero thought that goes into inviting someone over to watch Netflix. After you establish a relationship and want to stay in and cuddle, fine. But really, as a first date or a third date, that’s crap. That is not sweet, thoughtful or romantic. It’s just effortless crap. Code for “come over so I can have sex with you.”

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This new “hooking up era” has caused us to overlook the importance of dating.

There is value in going out on dates, on getting to know someone before they wind up in your bed. There is value to pursuing a relationship by talking over dinner, going on romantic walks and making each other feel good emotionally before feeling good physically. Starting a relationship by hooking up is lazy. Your relationship will remain lazy. Sex is not a replacement for the affection or attention one needs when starting a new relationship. Sex is an important part of a relationship, yes, but it is not a replacement for the effort required in a relationship.

Consistently hooking up is not a relationship.

A relationship is an investment. It requires effort, valuable time, vulnerability, and a cohesive lifestyle. It demands small tokens of affection and appreciation every day. Sex can be very bonding, but if sex is the only time you feel close to that person, it’s not a commitment. It’s just a temporary feel-good. Most promises made in the bedroom are fueled by sexual desire, so he might say you mean more to him and that he’s going to start showing it, but the proof is in his actions. If everything stays the same, consider his promise to be as worthless as his idea of a date.

Sexual connections are not the same as love connections.

I want to be very clear on this. Sex is physical. It becomes a love connection only after you fall in love with someone. And how do you fall in love with someone? By listening to them. By witnessing their character. By opening up to them, by learning their habits, by having them make you feel good about yourself. It comes from being able to rely on someone. Being able to let your guard down. None of this comes from Netflix followed by fifteen minutes of steamy passion between cheap sheets. Love comes from going on real dates and making a real effort.

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Samantha, I hope you read this and take it to heart.